In the Web

2008-02-24T16:11:00.001-08:00

I thank you all for giving me some of your time. I hope I am able to entertain everyone with my rapid thoughts on the past few days in the world of sports.

Kelvin Sampson, a mental-gimp who is a notorious and talentless repeat-cheater, resigned as Head Coach of the Indiana University men's basketball team Friday night after agreeing to a $750,000 buyout of his contract. In the interim, Dan Dakich will assume coaching responsibilities and attempt to lead the Hoosiers (22-4) to their first championship since 1987. Despite the Hoosiers great success on the hardwood to date, this has been the darkest season in the storied and pristine history of the program and jettisoning the worthless Sampson should be considered as steps to a renaissance for the Assembly Hall faithful. Indiana doesn't necessarily need Coach Norman Dale. But, they do need someone and I'd rather have Delilah than Sampson.

IBO and IBF Heavyweight Champion Wladimir Klitschko (50-3), 31, defeated an underwhelming Sultan Ibragimov (22-1-1), 32, via unanimous decision to gain Ibragimov's WBO crown in a boring and lackluster fight at Madison Square Garden Saturday night. Despite the hideous display of pugilism, Klitschko got closer to becoming the first unified heavyweight champion in nearly two-decades and anything he does henceforth I will handle with kid gloves (pun intended). Klitschko may not be akin to the menacing Russian Ivan Drago. But, there are no Rocky Balboa's in this once glamorous division and, at this point, "Dr. Steelhammer" is acceptable and simply as good as it gets.

William Gary, an undrafted rookie who played for the 2001 St. Louis Rams in their 20-17 upset-loss to the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XXXVI, has filed a $100 million lawsuit with others against the team from Foxboro in retaliation to reports that the Patriots illegally filmed the Rams walk-through prior to the game. Gary's mindless lawsuit is the most asinine attempt to extort money since Cosmo Kramer and his lawyer, Jackie Chiles, sued Java World for brewing "hot" coffee that eventually burned the eccentric Seinfeld character. If Gary's case is not immediately dismissed as baseless, our legal system is in utter disarray.

I am virtually positive that I know what candidate I am going to vote for in the 2008 Presidential Election. But, if Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) unexpectedly and belatedly threw his name into the mix, I'd have to revise my choice.

The New England Patriots (18-1*) were a collection of unlikable players in the 2007 season. Within a span of one year, they were caught cheating. Their "Golden-Boy" quarterback, Tom Brady, had a child out-of-wedlock while he was fornicating with a Brazilian supermodel. One of their stars on defense and the dirtiest player in the entire league, safety Rodney Harrison, 34, tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. Their polarizing jackass of a wide receiver, Randy Moss, was accused by a woman of battery. Finally, to put a neat-bow on the crew of miscreants, their sunny and classless Head Coach, Bill Belichick, decided to vacate the field before time expired in their 17-14 Super Bowl loss to the New York football Giants.

Nevertheless, all is not evil and bad. Sometimes one just needs to look more closely to find the good in something or someone. Thanks to the Patsies timely demise, thousands upon thousands of unsold hats and shirts with the slogans "19-0" and "Patriots Super Bowl Champions" were donated to a charity that shipped the comedic merchandise to an impoverished Central American country this past week. See, there is light everywhere in a world that sometimes seems dark and unforgiving. Just ask the poor Nicaraguan children who are now unwittingly the newest members of Patriot Nation.
PLEASE DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING IF YOU ARE YET TO WATCH EPISODE 58 OF HBO'S CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED DRAMA THE WIRE.

One of the greatest characters in the annals of modern television was murdered last Sunday night by a psychotic, cat-torturing 13-year-old. Omar Devon Little, 34, a homosexual stick-up artist beloved by alpha-males everywhere, died instantly after receiving a single gunshot wound to the head in a Korean convenience store. "Oh, indeed," Little's unique and disciplined "code" and his engaging screen presence will forever be missed. As the facially-scarred gunmen once said, "You come at the king, you best not miss." Omar never missed and he will always be a king to fans of the Wire. Rest-in-peace, Mr. Little.

Thanks again for reading my material. Without your readership, I’d have absolutely zero reason to write.

In the Web

2008-02-19T22:42:00.000-08:00

• As always, thanks for taking the time to give me some of your time. I hope I entertain you with my take on the past few days in the world of sports.

• New York Yankees Senior Vice President Hank Steinbrenner said yesterday that baseball is unjustifiably tagged as the only sport with a steroid problem and he alleged the epidemic is far worse in the National Football League than it is on the diamond.

“I don’t like baseball being singled out,” said Steinbrenner. “Everybody that knows sports knows football is tailor-made for performance-enhancing drugs. I don’t know how they managed to skate by. It irritates me. Don’t tell me it’s not more prevalent. The number in football is at least twice as many. Look at the speed and size of those players.”

Surely Steinbrenner chapped a number of asses with his controversial allegations and I imagine that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would now love to duel with big-Hank in a “Mexican Street Fight.” Nevertheless, it’s usually refreshing when a man of significance speaks his mind instead of being neutral and politically correct. Steinbrenner called the proverbial spade a spade and the NFL knows it.

In the Web

2008-02-14T15:40:00.000-08:00

Former Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker, a village idiot who alienated the city of New York with his racist and homophobic comments, became the latest outcast to finger New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez as an abuser of steroids. On Monday, the obnoxious hick from Georgia claimed that in spring training of 2002 a doctor hired by the Major League Baseball Players Association instructed him and his then Texas Rangers teammate on how to juice-up in a way that is "not going to hurt you." This is the second time since December that A-Post-Season-Out has been accused of utilizing synthetic testosterone. In the immediate aftermath of the Mitchell Report, Jose Canseco, a dishonorable speaker of truth, said he was flabbergasted that A-Rod wasn't among the 83 names mentioned in the Director of the Boston Red Sox investigation into performance enhancing drugs."All I can say is the Mitchell Report is incomplete," Canseco said. "I could not believe that (Rodriguez's) name was not in the report."As mind-numbing as it is, in this distorted day and steroid age, Canseco is baseball's answer to "Honest" Abe Lincoln and if he says the purple-lipped pariah took a banned substance then he likely did.

Generally, I am not a conspiracy theorist. After reading Gerald Posner's book "Cased Closed," I think Lee Harvey Oswald was Jack Kennedy's lone murderer that terrible afternoon in Dallas, Texas. I am also not a member of the “9-11 Truth Movement.” I think 19 members of Al Qaeda commandeered 4 commercial aircrafts on 9/11/2001 and that's that. But, with A-Rod's conspicuous omission from Mitchell’s report, I wonder if a conspiracy is not in our midst. Can one not fathom Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig politely asking his investigator to keep his paws off the heir apparent to his sports all-time home-run crown? Rodriguez, who has 518 round-trippers at 32 years of age, will likely surpass Barry Bonds, the face of steroids, and his 762 lifetime dingers somewhere in the vicinity of the year 2012. Selig needs a dirty Rodriguez as much as he needs a case of herpes and I am confident that he'll go to great lengths to keep A-Rod's drug results cleaner than Danny Tanner's kitchen floor.

By the way, for those keeping record at home, the Red Sox mediocre pitcher, Daisuke Matsuzaka, has recorded more postseason RBI’s (2) than A-Rod has since game four of the 2004 ALCS. Rodriguez has one RBI since that timeframe.

Wednesday on Capitol Hill, tarnished baseball icon Roger Clemens exhibited the least impressive performance in a court of law since Stanley Rothenstein’s public defender graced us with his stuttering-self in “My Cousin Vinny.” Under oath, rogue trainer Brian McNamee said he injected Andy Pettitte with human growth hormone and, when pressed, the lefty-ace acknowledged that McNamee was being straightforward with his account. After having his ear placed against the proverbial stove, McNamee revealed that he also injected Clemens better-half, Debbie, with HGH and the pitcher’s wife reluctantly admitted that McNamee was speaking with candor. Are we truly to believe that McNamee is lying solely regarding his accusations towards Clemens? I think not. Clemens is a disgraceful excuse for a husband, friend and ballplayer.

Since its Valentine’s Day, one needs to wonder what Knicks owner James Dolan and his Head Coach Isiah Thomas have planned for the night. I’ll bet they are going to share a bath in a heart-shaped tub and listen to the sexual melodies of Marvin Gaye from a Bose sound system.

In the Web

2008-02-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

· Genuine thanks to you all for giving me some of your time. I hope I am able to entertain you with my rapid take on the week that was in the world of sports.

· Tarnished baseball legend Roger Clemens and controversial trainer Brian McNamee met with congressional investigators this past week in preparation for their February 13th hearing on steroids in front of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. Clemens and McNamee have conducted an intense smear campaign against one another designed to discredit and slander the other man's word before Wednesday's much-anticipated testimonials. To date, McNamee has dominated the mudslinging war by providing the feds with vials that allegedly contain traces of steroids and human growth hormone, as well as blood-stained syringes and gauze pads that purportedly contain Clemens DNA. For good measure, McNamee reportedly told investigators that he also injected Clemens better-half, Debbie, with HGH before she posed in a bikini alongside her portly husband for a 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition photograph. McNamee preserving the noted evidence could simultaneously be the sketchiest and most pertinent proof since Monica Lewinsky revealed her semen-stained dress and it may be the smoking gun that lands Clemens in a "Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison." On the positive side for "the Rocket," he recently shed his frost-tip haircut. That bodes well for the notorious headhunter because such manes are likely very popular behind bars.

· Robert Montgomery Knight, 67, resigned this past week as the Head Coach of Texas Tech University. Knight, who quit on his team with the most career coaching wins in NCAA Division I history (902-371), is renowned for running clean programs (not one of his squads was ever sanctioned for recruiting violations) and graduating the large majority of his players. Regardless of his vast pedigree on the sideline, Knight is a miserable bully whose accomplishments are dwarfed by his hideous behavior and treatment of others. Knight's callous and offensive statements and actions are innumerable. While coaching the U.S. team at the 1979 Pan American Games, Knight assaulted a Puerto Rican police officer over a dispute regarding a practice facility. In 1993, he kicked his own son Pat in the huddle of a game at Assembly Hall in Indiana leading the Hoosier faithful to jeer their inexplicable "hero." In an April 1988 interview with Connie Chung, Knight said "I think if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it." The mentioned is a very, very brief exemplification of the malevolent individual that Knight really is. Bobby Knight was a great basketball coach. Bobby Knight never was and he never will be a good man. As Kent Harvey said when he was an IU freshman, "Hey, Knight. What's up?" Luckily for the world of collegiate athletics, "the General" no longer is.

· University of Illinois athletic officials apologized for their fans behavior Thursday night in an 83-79 double overtime loss to arch-rival and 14th-ranked Indiana (19-3, 8-1) and their superstar turncoat Eric Gordon, 19. Gordon, a freshman guard who reneged on a verbal commitment to play for the Illini in late-2005, endured some of the vilest treatment since William Wallace meet his English executioners toward the end of Braveheart. Despite the hostile road environment and his shoddy play early, Gordon scored 18 second-half points to lead the Hoosiers to a colossal Big Ten victory. A crucial win like this is yet another reason to believe that the month of March will be very kind to the Hoosiers and don’t be surprised if Kelvin Sampson’s crew is singing “One Shining Moment” come April.

· Former WBO Heavyweight Champion Tommy "the Duke" Morrison (47-3-1), 39, who tested positive for the HIV virus in 1996, is scheduled to fight Matt Weishaar Saturday night on a Top Rank-promoted pay-per-view card in Leon, Mexico. The Association of Boxing Commissions is urging Top Rank matchmaker Bruce Trampler to mandate a blood test despite the fact that Mexico does not require them for fighters. The deadly HIV virus, which can not be cured, is transmitted via infected blood, semen and vaginal fluid. Boxing is a blood sport. No matter how minimal the chances are of acquiring the HIV virus in the ring, it is categorically insane to even contemplate putting the Rocky V star in a bout.

· The Miami Heat sent iconic center Shaquille O'Neal, 35, to the Phoenix Suns this week in exchange for 4-time all star forward Shawn Marion, 29, and Marcus Banks. Many hardwood pundits think that the Suns banged the pooch with their decision to acquire the aging and fragile big man. I am not one of those pundits. Granted, the Phoenix Suns have been one of the elite teams in the NBA for years and their fast-paced offense is a thing of beautiful production. But, they have never been able to get over the proverbial hump and there is nothing to indicate that they would have this year without making a transaction of some genuine magnitude. The acquisition of Shaq will grant Amare Stoudemire with great protection down-low and I believe the Suns, being led by two-time MVP playmaker Steve Nash, will create serious match-up issues for every team that they meet from this point on. The Suns couldn't win it all without Shaq. Now we'll find out if Phoenix will rise to championship glory with Superman on its side.

· New York Knicks guard Stephon Marbury, 30, will miss the remainder of the season because of complications he’s encountered from ankle surgery he underwent 3-weeks ago. With Marbury on the sideline indefinitely, the Knickerbockers quest for a championship is in grave jeopardy. Ha!!

After drinking like Mickey Rourke's character in Barfly, my friends and I began to discuss the male soap opera that was formerly known as the WWF. During the bender, a fascinating question was broached by my friend, Latroy. Latroy wondered who was the most prominent and important grappler among the trio of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, "Macho Man" Randy Savage and the "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. I entirely realize that I'm probably going to get a great deal of flack on my comment board for writing about a topic that many find to be such a reprehensible waste. But, if there is anyone with love for 80's squared circle action, your feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks again for providing me with some of your time. Without your readership, I’d have no reason to write.

In the Web

2008-02-07T07:40:00.001-08:00

· I thank you all for giving me some of your time. I hope I am able to entertain you with my thoughts on the greatest Super Bowl ever played. Welcome to another edition of "In the Web."

· Ding Dong the witch is dead. The team that many proclaimed was the greatest in the history of the NFL was not even the best one on the gridiron in 2007. In an upset of Davey and Goliath proportions, the New York football Giants (14-6) defeated the “unbeatable” New England Patriots (18-1*) 17-14 in Glendale, Arizona in Super Bowl XLII.
Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning (19-for-34, 255 yards, 2 touchdowns), an individual I once compared to Corky Thatcher, threw the game-winning 13-yard touchdown pass to embattled wide receiver Plaxico Burress with 35-seconds remaining in regulation to lead the Big Blue to their third championship in franchise history. Despite their shocking demise, the record-setting 2007 New England Patriots were a legendary squad whose accomplishments should never be forgotten or diminished. Unfortunately, in lieu of Sunday’s gut-wrenching loss, one can anticipate that history will not be kind or complimentary to the Patsies.
At this moment, it is impractical to suggest that this years version of the Patriots are anything more than the 43rd best team in the history of the National Football League and it would be an utter crime to mention them in the same breath as the 2007 championship-winning football team from Gotham.
· Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, the ranking Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, announced last week that he wants to speak with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and possibly hold hearings to determine the leagues reasoning for destroying all evidence from “Spygate.” In response to Specter’s request, Goodell stated that he would gladly meet with the Senator to discuss the Patriots cheating tactics and the two have tentatively agreed to rendezvous sometime early next week.
Two days after Specter’s and Goodell’s political jockeying, the Boston Herald published a report Saturday asserting that Bill Belichick and his nefarious Patriot staff illegally taped the St. Louis Rams’ private walk-through before their 20-17 triumph in Super Bowl XXXVI. If such an unsportsmanlike taping actually transpired, the Patriots would have had an enormous competitive edge in the red zone and there is little to no question that it would have played a vital role in New England’s measly 3-point “upset” victory over the heavily-favored Rams.Whatever motives Specter may have for revitalizing the notorious "Spygate" scandal, if this allegation is proved to be true, Goodell needs to administer a swift and powerful punishment to Belichick and New England as a whole. I’d broach the idea of publicly stoning the philandering fashion-plate. But, in a civilized society, that isn’t realistic. So, suspending Belichick for an entire season and forfeiting the Patriots 2001 championship campaign would seem perfectly justified. Draconian sanctions of the like are not unprecedented in the world of sports. Just ask the University of Michigan and the much-ballyhooed “Fab Five." In case you forgot, their 1992 Final Four run never happened.
As Sophocles once said, “I’d rather fail with honor than succeed by fraud.”
· The New York Giants, who entered Sunday as 11-point underdogs in the Super Bowl, cost Nevada sports books a record $2.6 million with their epic 17-14 victory. As Detective Jimmy McNulty said on HBO’s the Wire, “You play in dirt, you get dirty.”
· Eli Manning, 27, deserves a wealth of credit and respect for producing under Manhattan's unrelenting and downright harsh glare. Nevertheless, regardless of his performance in the playoffs, Manning is an unrefined product who desperately needs to improve his horrid mechanics in the off-season. I am not trying to urinate on Eli while he sips on his champagne.
The facts are that this past season Manning, the 1st overall selection in the 2004 draft, had a sub-par quarterback rating (73.9), he completed only 56.1% of his passes and he was tied for the league lead with 20 interceptions. Those numbers are virtually Leaf-ian and it is imperative that Manning develops into the performer that his skills indicate he can become on a consistent basis. If he doesn't locate consistency with his game, the New York area will turn on him quicker than a pit bull on a poodle and Arizona will feel further away than Melmac.

In the Web

2008-02-03T00:15:00.001-08:00

The New York Mets acquired two-time Cy Young Award winner Johan Santana this week from the Minnesota Twins in exchange for four coveted minor league prospects. The deal was finalized Friday night when Santana, 28, and the Mets agreed to a record-setting contract extension worth $137.5 million over six-years. Santana, who is 93-44 with a 3.22 ERA in eight major league seasons, is the most pivotal acquisition the Metropolitans have made since they landed first baseman Keith Hernandez in 1983.

The acquisition of Santana adds a legitimate frontline starter to an already productive and balanced rotation and it makes the Mets prohibitive favorites to capture their first National League pennant since 2000. The Mets, whose late-September collapse in 2007 rivaled the hideous demise of the Giuliani campaign this past week, will always be the red-headed step-children from Gotham. But, because of this instrumental free agent parlay, they will likely be the Big Apple’s best squad on the diamond throughout the 2008 season.

As a massive Yankees aficionado, I hope I am wrong. But, unfortunately, I don’t think I will be. The Mets are the safest bet since Takeru Kobayashi nestled his lips around a frank.

In the Web

2008-01-30T16:46:00.001-08:00

The indomitable New England Patriots (18-0) will play the upstart New York Giants (13-6) next week at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. Whether or not the Patriots triumph over Gotham’s Big Blue, they are deserving of their dynasty label. The Patriots are simply one of the most overwhelming teams in the annals of North American professional sports.

Because of New England’s decade-long dominance, some pundits have hailed their “HC,” Bill Belichick, 55, as the best coach to ever stroll an NFL sideline and others have had the audacity to infer that the Vince Lombardi Trophy should be re-named after the Patriots nefarious cheater. Such a ludicrous and unfounded assertion is shire tomfoolery. The loveable Belichick, who makes Dick Cheney seem warm and bubbly, is a good coach who has reached an unjustifiably mythic status by riding the coattails of his iconic quarterback for the ages, Tom Brady, 30.

While coaching in Cleveland and without Brady, Belichick led the Browns to a paltry record of 36-44 before being terminated after five miserable seasons. The grand majority of Clevelanders understandably rejoiced when the philandering fashion plate met his professional maker. Belichick chapped the asses of players, fans and the media alike and his coaching “skills” were proven to be subpar while he alienated the bulk of the Cleveland region.

In his first year as the “HC” of New England, Belichick once again exhibited his anemic guidance en route to “leading” the Patsies to an intimidating record of 5-11. In 2001, the Patriots began the season with a mark of 0-2 before the New York Jets and their linebacker, Mo Lewis, changed the course of history for the Patriots and the overrated Belichick. After being flushed from the pocket, starting quarterback Drew Bledsoe, 35, ran upright to the sideline before being lambasted by Lewis. The vicious hit by Lewis caused moderate internal bleeding in Bledsoe and it opened the door for Brady to take control as New England’s signal caller.

Prior to being blessed with Brady, Belichick had a combined (Cleveland and New England) Hall of Fame record of 41-57. Since stumbling upon the rare pot of gold that is Brady, the man who perpetuated “Spygate” has gone 86-24. I like coincidences as much as I enjoy jock-itch and I refuse to believe that those numbers don’t expose Belichick for the mediocre gump that he is.

I fully realize that I reek of anti-New England bias. For me, cheering for Belichick and the Pats is akin to rooting for the reemergence of polio. But, how can anyone genuinely claim that Belichick is a better coach than either Bill Parcells or Joe Gibbs? Parcells captured two Superbowl championships with two different quarterbacks and he won at all four coaching stops that he made. Gibbs won three Superbowls in Washington with three different Redskin signal-callers. That puts Belichick, at best, as the third most decorated coach that I’ve seen in the NFL since I began watching the sport in 1987. So, please, New Englanders put down your Samuel Adams and take in a dose of reality. Green Bay Packers fans, take solace. The championship trophy will always be named after the truly special Lombardi.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

In the Web

2008-01-26T17:00:00.000-08:00

· I send my gratitude to you all for taking the time to read my vantage on the week that was in the world of sports. Unfortunately, I found a dearth of subject matter to make mention of this week. Nevertheless, I tried to comprise a quality piece and I hope I still manage to entertain.

· The indomitable New England Patriots (18-0) will play the upstart New York Giants (13-6) next week in Superbowl XLII at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. The Patriots, who will justifiably enter the game as 14-point favorites, are the most despised team to make the Superbowl since the Baltimore Ravens and their acquitted murderer/linebacker, Ray Lewis, won it all against the Big Blue 34-7 in 2001. As an enormous fan of the New York Jets (Just End the Season), I thought my passion for football died sometime around Columbus Day. But, my genuine loathing and utter contempt for all that is New England sports has created an air of excitement within me that I haven’t felt in athletics since Aaron Boone and the New York Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox in 7 games to win the 2003 ALCS. There may be people in the world that will root for the Giants as passionately as I will come next Sunday evening. Nobody, and I emphasize nobody, will be rooting for the Giants with more vigor than I will be in eight days. If and when the Giants emerge victorious, it will be one of the most truly special moments the sports world has seen since those two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas, were caught performing cunnilingus on each other in a bathroom stall at “Banana Joe’s” nightclub in Tampa, Florida.

· New England Patriots strong safety Rodney Harrison was quoted this week as saying, "It wasn't no secret. (The Giants) push, they hit late, they come at you and try to take you out. That's the way they play." Harrison's surreal rant is a classic case of a midget calling a munchkin short. Harrison, who is clearly an English major, is a known steroid abuser and he has twice been voted the NFL's dirtiest player by his peers. Harrison should heed the adage that "it's better to let people think you're an idiot than open your mouth and remove all doubt."

· The University of Hawaii's record-breaking quarterback and nearly a "sex offender with a record," Colt Brennan, 24, has severely struggled in practice while preparing for the Senior Bowl in Mobile, Alabama. Brennan's inadequate arm strength and atrocious throwing form will prohibit him from making any impact whatsoever on the next level and if I were a general manager I would avoid selecting him in April's draft like I'd steer clear of making contact with one of Heidi Fleiss' dirty thongs.

· Legendary chess player Bobby Fisher died at the age of 64 in Iceland last Thursday after a lengthy battle with kidney failure. Fisher transcended the "sport" of chess and became a cultural icon when he defeated Soviet grandmaster Boris Spassky in the midst of the Cold War. Unfortunately, instead of being remembered as the prodigy and genius that he was, he will be remembered as a delusional psychotic whose brilliance ultimately led to his bitter demise. The sad part is not that Fisher, a Jew who is an anti-Semite, died. The sad part is that some people actually contend that chess is a sport. Chess is as much a sport as Rupaul is a woman and anyone who believes otherwise knows athletics like a Bin-Laden knows condoms.

· Baseballs all-time home-run king, Barry Lamar Bonds, 42, asked a federal judge to dismiss perjury charges against him on Wednesday saying that the indictment is "scattershot" and noted its "striking inartfulness." Bonds claims that investigators baffled him with their questions and that he was incapable of accurately responding to the inquiries because of his confusion. Asked during the deposition if his notorious personal trainer, Greg Anderson, 42, had ever provided him with steroids or any other performance enhancing drug Bonds replied, "No. Not at all." Where is possibly the potential for confusion from that exchange? It's not exactly like there was an attempt to split the atom during these proceedings and I don't think Barry Lamar has a 24th chromosome. As the saying goes, “My what tangled webs we weave when we choose to deceive.”

· A friend of 23 years, Gary Leonardo Moreland III, called me on the phone the other day swearing that he saw a fat guy with a "third ear coming out of (his) forehead" who was "pulling a tractor with (his teeth)." I asked Gary where he was and he said he was driving on I-10 E outside of Louisiana. Gary was frazzled. At a Jersey Shore jubilee back in the late-90's, somebody had slipped him liquid acid and he was positive that he was having a massive hallucination 10 complete years after the traumatic incident. I asked Gary to repeat what he saw and when he did it dawned on me that he wasn't loopier than Courtney Love. He was seeing the rotund disgrace of the "Lone Star State," Roger Clemens, en route to the congressional hearings on Capitol Hill in Washington. Gary, whose knowledge regarding sports is minimal, was flabbergasted that the porky-Texan would go all the way to our nations’ capital on foot. As I explained to Gary, Clemens is renowned for his work ethic. He should be waddling into “Capital City” just in time to commit perjury on February the 13th.

· Roy Jones Jr. (52-4), 39, outclassed Puerto Rican folk hero Felix Trinidad (42-3), 35, last Saturday night en route to winning a unanimous decision. For what I sarcastically labeled Golden Girls with Gloves, the fight was not the Del Boca Vista debacle that I predicted. Jones floored Trinidad in the seventh and tenth rounds and in the end he was simply the bigger and better man in the ring. Kudos to Jones, who suffered consecutive brutal knockout losses in 2004, for maintaing the belief in himself to diligently train and win a marquee match in “the World’s Most Famous Arena.” Now, it’s time to call it a career, Junior.

· As always, thanks for giving me a reason to write.

In the Web

2008-01-17T07:54:00.000-08:00

• I thank you for taking the time to provide me with some of your time. Welcome to another edition of “In the Web.”

• Tom Brady's record-setting performance Saturday night in Foxboro (26-28, 262 yards) helped propel the New England Patriots to a hard-fought victory over the upstart Jacksonville Jaguars 31-20. My respect and admiration for Brady as a player and as a man is unparallel. Brady, who broke Phil Simms record for accuracy in a single-game by completing 92% of his passes, is a consummate professional and one of the classiest individuals in all of sports.

Nevertheless, in this timeframe of congressional hearings and witch hunts and in the honor of journalistic credibility, I find pertinence in noting that New England's "Golden Boy" was linked, albeit thinly, to the BALCO investigation. According to phone records seized by the federal government, Brady twice contacted Barry Bonds' nefarious trainer,
Greg Anderson, 42, in 2002 to inquire about his "services." The meeting between "Giselle's Girl" and the Bay Area's most notorious pusher of synthetic testosterone allegedly never materialized. Still, if you look at the matter objectively, the whole situation reeks of potential scandal. Brady may not have actually met with Anderson. However, the question remains, why seek-out Anderson in the first place? I am entirely cognizant that I am jaded and steep in cynicism. But, I refuse to believe that Brady, who
has gained 35 lbs. since his rookie season in 2000, innocently and naively stumbled upon Anderson without knowing his rogue background. Are we to believe that Brady conveniently called Anderson, of all people, to devise a plan to better strengthen his calves?

Naysayers and critics will grill me for this entry and claim that I am a
yellow journalist who is muckraking in an attempt to write a lurid story. That is simply not the case. I am making mention of a fact that many people, particularly New Englanders, like to curiously dismiss as baseless. Unfortunately, despite being built like the cartoon character "Shaggy," I believe that Brady, like Mary J. Blige and 50 Cent, could be yet another piece of the infamous "Steroid Era."

• There is little doubt in my mind that I just chapped a number of my readers' asses with my above rant. To pacify the irritation, I wrote the below blurb about New England's iconic signal-caller last week.

"New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, 30, deservingly seized his first league MVP Tuesday in a landslide vote reminiscent of Reagan-Mondale circa 1984. Brady, who threw 50 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 8 interceptions this year, is the greatest quarterback to ever step on the gridiron."

• The New York Giants nudged the Dallas Cowboys 21-17 Sunday evening in Texas Stadium to advance to the NFC Championship game. In a postgame interview, Cowboy wide receiver and living hemorrhoid, Terrell Owens, 34, got emotional while defending his teams' embattled quarterback, Tony Romo. Romo, who received much flak in the week leading-up to the game for cavorting with his buxom girlfriend in Mexico, went a pedestrian 18-36 for 201 yards in the loss. Owens, an incredibly unsympathetic and unlikeable figure, wept like he had just finished watching "Beaches" and for what? Why waste one tear on Romo? Romo, who signed a six-year, $67.5 extension with Dallas in October, sips pina coladas on a tropical island and he fornicates with Jessica “Double-D" Simpson. If Owens wants to cry for someone, he should cry for a poor working sap like me. Seriously, if he wants a good cry, he should call me. My life story will have him weeping in horror and dismay in comparison.

• Over the course of the year, I have been extremely critical of Giants quarterback Eli Manning, 27. My criticism reached feverish levels in November when I began urging the "Big Blue" to insert "the Pillsbury Throwboy," Jared Lorenzen, 26, into the starting slot behind the center. Well, if Manning's performance over the past three weeks is any
indication, I was wrong in my analysis. Although it may seem like he's been around since the Lincoln administration, Manning is still precocious and it is feasible that he's just now coming into his own under the glare of Gotham's spotlight. If that's the case, and I'm still not sure that it is, good for Eli. It's always nice to see someone persevere in the face of adversity.

• Perhaps because of Manning's southern drawl and his painfully slow demeanor, I still am not convinced that he's the sharpest of samurai swords. With an estimated high temperature of 2 degrees by kickoff in Green Bay on Sunday, I am hoping that Manning decides to wear one of those "village idiot" hats with the fur ear flaps under his
helmet against the Packers. Now, that would be classic and it would make it hard to root against the team from Jets Stadium in New Jersey.

• The Indianapolis Colts surrendered to the San Diego Chargers 28-24 Sunday afternoon in the RCA Dome to ruin the defense of their Super Bowl title. The Chargers managed to win despite losing their starting quarterback, Phillip Rivers, 26, and running back, Ladanian Tomlinson, 28, to injuries during the course of the game. Rivers, an
obnoxious loudmouth who spent most of the day yammering with fans in the crowd from the "Hoosier State," managed to hurt himself while completing a pass to Darren Sproles for a touchdown. I have three quick thoughts and observations about Rivers. For one, he's a jackass and he's in dire need of a muzzle. Secondly, the man's not agile on his feet. How in the name of a higher being did he manage to sprain his medial collateral ligament without being hit or running? His nimbleness makes "Elaine" from "Seinfeld" look like she should be on "Dancing with the Stars." Finally, Rivers is not a classy human being. He really should walk arm-in-arm with Britney Spears into a highway restroom shoeless. Ah, red-neck love.....A match made in trash.

• The hapless New York Knicks (12-26) beat the dominant Detroit Pistons (29-10) 89-65 at Madison Square Garden Sunday. Uh, how did that happen? That's like Nell Carter dusting Carl Lewis in a race.

• Roy Jones Jr. (51-4), 39, will fight Felix Trinidad (42-2), 35,
in a match that is only a decade-late Saturday night at Madison Square Garden in New York City. This contest should be billed "Golden Girls with Gloves." At one point, these two were at the top of their profession. Now, they are leaching money out of fans pockets. Jones should hang up his gloves and instead focus on his burgeoning career as
a rap artist. Actually, with lyrics like "I got disqualified in March of '97 after givin' a whipping to Montell Griffin," maybe he should exit the music industry as well as the sport of boxing before he becomes a national punch-line.

• Kudos to Xavier University in Cincinnati for turning down rivals.com’s mid-major player of the week award on Friday that was intended for their point guard, Drew Lavender.

"People who come here and see us and what we're about and know what we've accomplished in 25 years would struggle to put any 'mid' label on us," Xavier athletic director Mike Bobinski said. "We've been to 17 NCAA Tournaments. We've had 20 20-plus win seasons. Our arena has been filled to 96 percent capacity. We've had 11 BCS conference home-and-homes in the last six years. That's not 'mid' anything."

Agree with the decision made by the Musketeers athletic department or not, they live by a code and that is something that demands respect. Somewhere out there, “the Wire’s” Omar Little is smiling.

• The Golf Channel’s Kelly Tilghman was quoted as saying that the only way young golfers could stop Tiger Woods would be to “Lynch him in a back alley.” Mistake or no mistake, all I can say is, “Wow! Is Tilghman the great-granddaughter of Nathan Bedford Forrest or what?” Perhaps Ms. Tilghman should be put to work behind the scenes instead of being one of the faces of this channel.

• As always, thank you. I hope I entertained.

In the Web

2008-01-09T08:10:00.001-08:00

• Welcome to another edition of “In the Web.” I hope I entertain you with my rapid take on the week that was in the world of sports.

• CBS ratings soared Sunday night when broadcast icon Mike Wallace had his much-anticipated interview with the embattled Roger Clemens air on "60 Minutes." Wallace's well-conducted interview provided the viewing public with three undeniable truths. For one, "the Rocket" is more delusional than former Harvard professor and acid-head Timothy Leary and the fat-Texan was never even linked to LSD in the Mitchell report. Secondly, Wallace, who turns 90 in June, is a far greater legend in his field than the artificial Clemens, 45, ever was on the diamond. Finally, if Clemens does eventually get elected into baseball's Hall of Fame, Barry Lamar Bonds, 43, had better be enshrined as well. If Clemens does ultimately make Cooperstown and Bonds doesn't, then America as a whole is as racist as many proclaim.

• The following quote is from Roger Clemens’ lawyer, Rusty Hardin, after excerpts of his clients “60 Minutes” interview were released Thursday.

“Roger took bunches of shots over his career, much the way racehorses do, unfortunately.”

I won’t mention horses in this blog until we near the Kentucky Derby in the first week of May. Nevertheless, in light of Clemens’ horrifying abrasiveness and the way he sleazily recorded a phone conversation he had with his former trainer, Brian McNamee, I do wish that he was beaten like a government mule.

• The Washington Redskins iconic Head Coach and President, Joe Gibbs, 67, resigned yesterday after sixteen years leading the team from our nation's capital. Gibbs, who captured three Super Bowl championships as a coach with three different quarterbacks, is one of the classiest and most gracious individuals to ever roam an NFL sideline. In essence, as a man, he is everything that the cheating philanderer from New England, Bill Belichick is not.

• New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, 30, deservingly seized his first league MVP TUESDAY in a landslide vote reminiscent of Reagan-Mondale circa 1984. Brady, who threw 50 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 8 interceptions this year, is the greatest quarterback to ever step on the gridiron. That fact regarding Brady’s all-time status got muddled amidst the numerous other story's surrounding the Patriots (16-0*) season for the ages.

• Every time I watch the Indiana Hoosiers (13-1, 2-0) and their sensational freshman shooting guard Eric Gordon play, I become more and more positive that nobody will want to play them in March.

• Anybody who discounts the success that the Boston Celtics (29-3) have enjoyed thus far because of the lack of quality competition that they've faced knows nothing about the sport of basketball. The Celts are an extremely talented squad and their detractors may be in denial all the way to a 17th championship parade.

• I genuinely would like to root for the Celtics and their duo of class acts, Kevin Garnett, 31, and Ray Allen, 32. However, in lieu of the Red Sox triumph and the Patriots dominance, I can't muster the emotion to root for the fabled franchise from Boston. I mean, it's like rooting for Tommy Lee to add more inches of girth to his nether region.

• If it wasn't for last week's captivating World Hockey Classic played outdoors in the snow between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Buffalo Sabers, I wouldn't even know that the sport of hockey still existed. It's kind of akin to how I wouldn't know Kim Kardashian, 27, was in existence if she didn't film herself getting a "golden shower" and doing the horizontal poker with Brandy's brother, Ray J.

• As always, thanks for giving me some of your time. I would have no reason to write if I didn’t have someone to read my work. Thanks again!

In the Web

2008-01-03T09:08:00.000-08:00

• The holidays are old news and I thankfully welcome you to a new edition of "In the Web."

• The New England Patriots defeated the New York Giants (10-6) at Jets Stadium in New Jersey Saturday 38-35 to become the first team in the annals of the NFL to complete a perfect 16-0 regular-season. The Patriots deserve a wealth of credit for their unprecedented excellence and the amazing focus and perseverance that they were able to display on a weekly basis since day one. Now all the Patriots need to do is win three more games and capture the Vince Lombardi trophy. If they don't accomplish that, they will be considered the most notorious collection of choke artists since the 2004 Yankees.

• The New York Jets (4-12) beat the Kansas City Chiefs (4-12) 13-10 Sunday in a meaningless game that ultimately cost them three slots in this coming years draft (the victory dropped them from the third selection in the first round to the sixth pick overall). You didn't have to be the late Jimmy "the Greek" Snyder to predict that the Jets would inexplicably and moronically win this game. Only "Gang Green" could suffocate the lone positive light from a dark and miserably disappointing 2007 campaign and lose a chance to select Arkansas star running back Darren McFadden, 20. As Steve Buscemi's character said in "Fargo," a Jet win "didn't make sense. It's like Peter stealing from Paul."

• Chuck Liddell (21-5) bruised and battered Wanderlei Silva (31-8-1), 31, Saturday night en route to a resounding unanimous decision victory. Liddell's victory put to a halt his personal losing streak at two and it knocked-out any lingering suspicion that he had been cursed since his cameo appearance on HBO's horrifically over-rated series, "Entourage." Liddell, 38, who is clearly the baddest thing since the NFL's juiced-up zebra, Ed Hochuli, now has his sights again set on avenging his consecutive losses to Quinton "Rampage" Jackson. Hopefully Liddell will nix that fight strategy and instead arrange a non-sanctioned "Mexican Street Fight" against the duo of "Turtle" and "Johnny Drama." Seeing those two gumps get throttled would be worth splurging for the exorbitant pay-per-view fees.

• Ring Magazine's 2007 "Fighter of the Year," Floyd Mayweather, Jr. (39-0), 30, publicly expressed his desire to enter the world of mixed martial arts with Mark Cuban's fledging company named HDNet Fights. Mayweather (30-0) is an enormous talent and his legacy as an all-time great pugilist is virtually cemented. Nevertheless, excelling in the "sweet science" is drastically different than flourishing in an octagon and if Mayweather enters this forum he won't be "pretty" much longer. Mayweather's entire attack is predicated off of his quickness and defensive guile. Such an attack plan would work briefly at best in this form of competition before he was grappled to the canvas and beaten mercilessly. The only thing that the "Pretty Boy" would gain by entering MMA is a collage of rug burns on his back that would rival those that the Spears girls accumulated this past year.

• In a driving snowstorm Tuesday, the Pittsburgh Penguins (21-16-2) defeated the Buffalo Sabres (19-16-3) 2-1 in the Winter Classic at Ralph Wilson Stadium in front of an NHL-record 72,217 fans. Only the second game ever played outdoors ended on Sidney Crosby's winning goal in a shootout. "Sid the Kid's" goal was one of the greatest moments for the sport of hockey since the premier of "Slapshot" and let's hope that contests played outside in the elements become a staple for the foreseeable future.

• The worst guard since former United States Army Reservist Lynndie England, Stephon Marbury, 30, returned to the New York Knicks lineup Wednesday night for the first time since his father passed last month. Now that Marbury is back and reunited with "Mr. Immunity," Isaiah Thomas, the Knicks should be officially good for 5 whole victories in the month of January.

• If you saw the video that Toronto Raptors power forward Chris Bosh, 23, released yesterday soliciting All-Star votes and you didn't find it humorous whatsoever, you likely have a vibrant personality akin to Victoria Beckham's. Life is too short. It's okay to let your hair down and be zany once in a while. Thankfully, Bosh understands that.

• Much to my surprise, the fractured New York Yankees weren't good enough to win a series nonetheless a championship last year. So, in some capacity, they need to be fixed. November and February are the big months on the MLB off-season calendar. November was nothing to write home to "the Boss" in Tampa about for the Bombers. The month of February had better be filled with great news for the men from the South Bronx or the season will end with misery just like it did last fall. Sometimes in life you need to squander items that you covet in order to attain even more desirable parts. Phil Hughes, 21, has a surplus of potential and he could be an ace in the American League for many years to come. John Santana, 28, is a left-hander and a two-time Cy Young Award winner in the prime of his career. The Yankees should have the Twins offices in Minnesota on speed dial.

• Thanks for providing me with your time. I hope I kept you entertained.

In the Web

2007-12-19T09:16:00.000-08:00

• After a brief hiatus, I welcome you back to another edition of "In the Web."

• Former Senate majority leader George Mitchell released the findings of his investigation into the usage of steroids in baseball last Thursday afternoon at a press conference in New York City. In all, Mitchell fingered 86 former and current players as scofflaws (including 7 former MVP's, 3 Cy Young Award winners and 24 New York Yankees of the past and present). Considering his limited power, Mitchell, a Director of the Boston Red Sox, did an average job stigmatizing some big names. But, it wasn't nearly the blood bath that it would have been, and could have been, had Mitchell been granted with greater investigative powers into the notorious "Steroid Era."

An extremely well-respected baseball analyst who I had the privilege of conversing with on a daily basis a couple of years ago once told me that he believed 65% to 75% of players were guilty of utilizing performance enhancing drugs in this rogue timeframe (1994-Present). I believe the estimation of my source and I think that it's a shame that so few go down when so many shot-up.

• A friend and co-worker of mine, Rick Iorio, wondered aloud if perhaps the Executive Vice President of the New York Yankees, Hal Steinbrenner, should be appointed to conduct a follow-up to the Mitchell Report. I have a sneaking hunch that Nomar Garciaparra, Gabe Kaplar, Mike Lowell and many others from Yawkey Way would be in opposition of such an a appointment.

• Below is an excerpt from an article I wrote on October the 14th.

"If 'Tricky Dick' Nixon was a crook and New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick is a cheat, then Roger Clemens is a thief who is guilty of stealing millions of dollars from Steinbrenner for 4 uninspiring months of mediocrity. Although the most powerful union in America, the Major League Baseball Player's union, would never enable it, Clemens should exhibit some testicular fortitude and attempt to reimburse Steinbrenner for the unmitigated disaster that he was this year. On second thought, his testicles have likely eroded as the result of years of abusing steroids.

Speaking of banned performance enhancing drugs, a report surfaced moments ago indicating that former U.S. Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell will release his report into steroids before the end of the year and the investigation will link many superstars and previously unmentioned players to the doping scandal. Run, Roger, run! Maybe A-Rod should start warming up to."

Mitchell pinpointing Clemens as a juice-head caught me with about as much shock as when Britney Spears acknowledged she lost her virginity prior to marriage. On the other end of the spectrum, I was absolutely flabbergasted that Alex Rodriguez wasn't in the report. As mind-numbing as it is, in this distorted day and age, Jose Canseco is baseball's answer to “Honest” Abe Lincoln when it comes to performance enhancing drugs. If Canseco says that A-Post-Season-Out has put needles in his back-cheeks then it’s likely he did. Seeing A-Rod tell Katie Couric on CBS that he is, and always has been, clean and void of synthetic testosterone reminded me a lot of when baseball's resident disgraced liar, Rafael Palmeiro, 43, told congress with finger-wagging intensity that he'd "never done steroids, period." Of course, with the Price of Polarization, the only difference was that Rodriguez got paid to pronounce his alleged innocence.

• Generally, I am not a conspiracy theorist. I think Lee Harvey Oswald was Jack Kennedy's lone murderer that terrible afternoon in Dallas, Texas. I think 19 members of Al Qaeda commandeered 4 commercial aircrafts on 9/11/2001 and that's that. But, with A-Rod's conspicuous omission, I wonder if Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig didn't politely ask Mr. Mitchell to keep his paws off the heir apparent to his sports all-time home-run crown. Rodriguez, who has 518 round-trippers at 32 years of age, will likely surpass Barry Bonds, the face of steroids, and his 762 lifetime dingers somewhere in the vicinity of the year 2012. Selig needs a dirty Rodriguez as much as he needs a case of herpes and I am confident that he'll go to great lengths to keep A-Rod's drug results cleaner than Danny Tanner's kitchen floor.

I know that what I'm writing is very speculative and controversial and I realize I'm going to chap a number of asses with my stance here. I am sorry. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I mean, you've heard crazier conspiracy theories, right?

• Listening to President George W. Bush address reporters in the wake of Mitchell's findings was yet another reminder that our leader is not the most phenomenal of public speakers. To be blunt, "Dubya" makes Reginald Denny sound eloquent

• If there's only one thing we should take away from the Mitchell Report it is that accused slugger David Justice "don't do no needles."

• Going into the 2007 MLB Playoffs, I erroneously predicted that the New York Yankees would cruise to their 27th world championship with ease. They didn't and the 2008 version of the Bomber's won't either if their brass doesn't finally make a transaction of some significant means. Oh, re-signing veterans at the back end of their careers doesn't count.

• The New England Patriot's (14-0) defeated the overmatched New York Jets (3-11) 20-10 Sunday in deplorable weather conditions to conclude this year’s chapter of "the Border War." The Patriot's truly are a tremendous squad and they could compete with any team from any era. Nevertheless, they haven't won the championship this year yet and every week I become more convinced that they won't.

• It's been more than ten days since "Pretty Boy" Floyd Mayweather ( 39-0 ), 30, knocked-out British folk hero Ricky "the Hitman" Hatton ( 43-1 ), 29, and I still can't get Hatton's song out of my head.

There's only one Ricky Hatton,
There's only one Ricky Hatton,
Walking along,
Singing a Song,
Walking in a Hatton wonderland.

Without dispute, these are the most grating lyrics since Hanson spewed "Um-Bop" circa 1997.

• Brian Sean Griffith, 40, a former bodyguard and hitman for white-trash figure skater Tonya Harding, died of natural causes last week in Washington County, Oregon. Griffith, who is the former Shawn Eckardt, gained infamy in 1994 when he conspired with two other degenerates, Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly and the thug known as Shane Stant, to immobilize Harding's rival skater, Nancy Kerrigan. Despite her bummed gam, Kerrigan still managed to win the silver medal at the 1994 Winter Olympics. Griffith ultimately served 14-months on charges of racketeering for his role in the incident and he changed his name legally after being sprung from the pen in September of 1995.

Griffith, a born loser who was charged with misdemeanor assault in 2001, saw his computer business, Applied Information Systems, go belly-up in 2005 and he had been struggling to make ends meat ever since. There must be a higher power when a 40-year-old man of his moral fiber dies of "natural causes." As the nefarious Greek said on HBO's "The Wire," "The World is a smaller place now."

• I hope I find everyone having a tremendous Holiday Season and I sincerely thank you for giving me your time.

In The Web

2007-12-12T07:35:00.000-08:00

First off, I’d like to thank all of you for joining us for another fine edition of In the Web. Due to high stress from the holidays and personal life turmoil, In the Web’s regular author, Colin J. Linneweber, will be taking a week off.

In the wake of the blue-gummed Bambino, Alex Rodriguez, slithering back to the South Bronx to sign a consolation-prize contract of potentially $315 Million dollars, we’ve found ourselves in a whirlwind of smoke & mirrors that is commonly referred to as the MLB’s Winter Meetings. Despite the conclusion of the Winter Meetings last week, the Yankees-Red Sox-Twins rumor mill continues to sputter like Thornton Mellon’s sprinkler system on a hot July morning. Whether or not Johan Santana, Erik Bedard, Dan Haren and others will be dealt (and where) remains to be seen. But I think we can all conclude that, like every other off-season, the MLB “Hot Stove” reports would be more entertaining if we were able to watch Cpl. John Winger (Bill Murray) apply the “spatula treatment” to an attractive young M.P. (redheaded Sean Young) on top of that “Hot Stove”. At least there would be a definitive conclusion (in Winger’s case he and Harold Ramis get laid). My point here? The MLB off-season trade talks are the single most futile and monotonous story that the sport can provide, and it’s the same routine every year. Wake me when someone signs on the dotted line. Kudos to the Marlins and Tigers for sealing a mammoth deal, with less than 24 hours of obnoxious hype.

Monday morning, Falcons QB Mike Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison for the illegal dogfighting enterprise conducted at his Virginia home. As a dog-lover, I am not going to comment on the severity of the sentence. Virtually everyone in America has anger related to this story, its just a question of which individual angle on the story specifically chaps your ass. We saw several of the Falcons fans and players show support for Vick in the MNF game between Atlanta and New Orleans. I truly applaud both the fans and players for this, as Vick deserves a shot at serving his time and earning forgiveness/2nd chance etc. Coincidentally yesterday, Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino resigned to return to the NCAA ranks and coach the Arkansas Razorbacks. (For just a second, put aside the fact that the Petrino’s, Steve Spurrier’s and Nick Saban’s of the football world are pompous jackasses for playing musical chairs with their profession.) Later that afternoon, WR Roddy White angrily declared, “He’s (Petrino) abandoned us. We gave him and his family everything we had. The organization gave him all the money. Now he’s abandoned us.” This was the same Roddy White that not 24 hours earlier pulled his jersey up in the endzone to reveal a “Free Michael Vick” spraypainting on his undershirt. Did White make any remark about team captain Vick abandoning the Falcons with his criminally irresponsible lifestyle? Did White mention anything about the $130 million that the organization invested in his “homeboy”, that went down the toilet with the hammer of the Judge’s gavel? Of course not. I don’t think I need to spell out the irony here. It’s just typical in a professional sports world that seems to excuse millionaire athletes for not leaving their “ghetto” lifestyle behind them. It’s always everyone else’s fault……isn’t it, Roddy?

I will leave the Floyd Mayweather 10th Round KO over Ricky Hatton to Mr. Linneweber’s eagerly anticipated return next week, as boxing is his forte.

At approximately 3:30 Sunday afternoon, a prominent New Jersey business owner flew his private jet over Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA with a flag reading “Barry Bonds 756 HR*, Bill Belichick 3 Super Bowls*.” Just minutes later, the most potent offense in NFL history, performed a gridiron equivalent of open heart surgery on Steelers’ free safety Anthony Smith. On a day in which the Patriots ran 34 passing plays in-a-row, Smith bit on a play action fake to Laurence Maroney, allowing Randy Moss to slip 15+ yds behind the secondary, waltzing into the endzone for a touchdown. Two quarters later, Smith failed to hold his position and bit on a cross-field flea flicker from Brady/Moss/Brady to #5 target, Jabar Gaffney. Aside from publicly guaranteeing a Pittsburgh victory, Smith had slandered the Patriots wide receiving core, claiming “they’re not Cincinnati. We saw the best a few weeks ago in Cincinnati.” Yes folks, that’s the same Cincinnati that’s won five games this season. Anthony Smith’s comments are the perfect microcosm of the Spygate conspiracy that has been fueling the Patriots’ juggernaut since the second week of September. Just as Smith’s comments triggered a Patriot blowout of the #1 ranked Defense in football, the Spygate-induced asterisk next to the Pats 3 championships, has served as a unique & ferocious motivational engine for a 13-0 blowout machine. As December matures, NFL records will be breaking like Clark Griswold’s Christmas tree ornaments, as he chases vermin through his living room. The more NFL analysts, players and coaches hurl verbal fireballs at the Patriots, the more coal goes into the locomotive engine that is the Patriots’ psyche and work ethic. Despite its obviousness through 14 weeks of the regular season, the Anthony Smiths of the football world continue to fail to respect this fact. So when a supposed NJ business man flies a banner through the Foxboro sky, crapping on the legitimacy of the Patriots’ dynasty, ask yourself one question: Is it really a wealthy Jets fan in the cockpit………or Belichick’s former camera-toting assistant Matt Estrella, winking down at the head coach, as they conspire to keep the motivational inferno burning inside the 53 players on their sideline for just 6 more games………

I thank you all again for reading the weekly blog. God bless you all, and have a wonderful holiday season.

In the Web

2007-12-04T15:45:00.000-08:00

• As the snow falls in New England, it is apparent that winter is upon us a tad early this year. I hope I find everyone well and I welcome you to another edition of "In the Web."

• Whether my writing was applauded or vilified, I had always been thankful that an individual took the time to read my work. Unfortunately, I have been the recent recipient of merciless criticism (mainly by some lunatic who goes by the moniker "Lieutenant" Gene Mainen) and I am no longer going to take unwarranted rants lying "face down in the muck." The brunt of the flak that I have received is predicated off of the absurd and inaccurate notion that I don't grant New England sports teams, particularly the Patriots, even a glimmer of deserving praise for their string of dominance. Pasted below are just a few of the positive things that I've said about the Patriots and Boston as a whole within the past few weeks alone:

* In any other season, Favre, 38, would be a lock to add to his collection of MVP hardware. Unfortunately for Favre and the rest of "Cheesehead Nation," this is not any other season. Tom Brady, 30, has already lapped his competition for this award like a Kenyan sprinter at the Boston Marathon. Brady's numbers are obscene (39 touchdowns in comparison to a paltry 4 interceptions) and he is the undisputed leader of a New England team that seems bound to be one for the ages. In essence, it is impossible to play the quarterback position better than Brady has this year. For your reference, the Webster's dictionary defines the word impossible as being "something that cannot be done."

* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."

* I am extremely cognizant of Manning's extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn't Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.

* The New England Patriot's (8-0) trounced the Washington Redskins (4-3) 52-7 Sunday to further their bid to become the first team to go undefeated in the NFL since the 1972 Miami Flamingo's. The Patriot's are simply in a different stratosphere and one needs to wonder if it's feasible for a team to be charged with running up the score in the first half of a game.

* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.

Psychotics like "Lieutenant Mainen," who I believe is actually Bradley Robert Sherwood of Beverly, Massachusetts and not a good man that I have come to know, read only what they want to read and they scoff at any material that's deemed contrary to their sentiments. Well, let me tell you, it's tough to report things without a negative slant when they involve blatant cheating (Belichick and "Spygate"), illegal performance enhancing drugs (Pats SS Rodney Harrison, 34) and unsportsmanlike behavior (the Pats and their affinity for needlessly embarrassing opponents). The Pats are having a tremendous season and when they are due credit, I will provide them with a world of it like I have in the past. When they are not due credit, I will open the gates of wrath.

• On that note, kudos to the Patriots (12-0) for their epic 27-24 victory in Baltimore Monday night against the Ravens (4-8). Although the Ravens are inept offensively, their defense still strikes the fear of a higher power into most teams around the league and it is a testament to New England that they were able to complete their comeback victory in front of a hostile crowd in “Body-more, Murda-land.” It is a win like Monday’s that lets you know that we are watching a special squad.

• The New York Giants highly-scrutinized quarterback, Eli Manning, 26, has about as much accuracy throwing a football as Dick Cheney and Bob Knight do shooting a rifle. Although it is entirely impractical because of the significant investment they made in Manning at the 2004 draft, the Giants should contemplate handing the reigns to their back-up signal-caller, Jared "the Pillsbury Throwboy" Lorenzen, 26. Lorenzen, a lefty who is generously listed at a tender 285Lbs, is without a doubt a portly specimen. Nevertheless, the former leader of the University of Kentucky can certainly throw that pigskin. The idea of switching to Lorenzen should at least be food for thought (pun Intended) for the "Big Blue's" hierarchy.

• The red-headed step-children of the NFL, the New York Jets (3-9) and the Flamingo's (0-12), dueled in South Beach Sunday afternoon with "Gang Green" prevailing 41-13. When the 2007 version of the Jets, who entered the game as a one-point underdog, sweeps a season series, the losing team is in a "world of fucking pain." Such pain, that I am confident that the Flamingo's have eclipsed the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs as the worst team in the annals of the NFL.

• The Minnesota Twins ace pitcher, Johan Santana, 28, is the most coveted commodity to hit the market since the Paris Hilton sex tape in the autumn of 2003. Santana, a lefty and two-time CY Young Award winner, can absolutely change the league's balance of power wherever he does ultimately land. Currently, the two bitterest rivals in baseball, the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, are the clear-cut favorites to land the prized southpaw. Santana’s extraordinary skill level (93-44, 3.22 ERA since debuting in 2000) is undeniable. But, as a Yankee fan, I wonder if there isn’t a grander value on the market when everything is taken into account. Although not as overwhelming a force as Santana, the Oakland Athletics Dan Haren, 27, the Florida Marlins Dontrelle Willis, 25, the Baltimore Orioles Erik Bedard, 28, and the Tampa Bay Rays Scott Kazmir, 23, are all rumored to be available via a trade this winter. If it’s feasible for the Yankees to attain any one of those starters while still retaining their stud farmhand, Phil Hughes, 22, I think the Yankees may be better off without Santana.

• St. Louis Cardinals Manager Tony La Russa, 63, had his DUI arrest video released by the Jupiter (Fla.) police department last week and it can now be viewed on YouTube. In the video, La Russa recites the alphabet as “abcdefghijklmnizmnopqrstuvvztuvxyxz.” If his ABC’s are any indication, I would say the skipper tried to drink Nick Cage’s character in “Leaving Las Vegas” under the table. Predictably, he lost and now he’s an embarrassment to the entire “Show-Me State.”

• Upon being informed that the New York Knicks (5-11) had only one game on TNT this season, studio analyst Charles Barkley was quoted as saying, "Thank God." The "Round Mound of Rebound," who has historically been about as politically correct as “Archie Bunker,” could not have possibly been more poetic. The Knicks are a disgrace to their city and to the league as a whole and their leader since 2003, GM and Head Coach Isaiah Thomas, inexplicably has more immunity than Verbal Kint did in “the Usual Suspects.” Generally, I am not a “Doubting Thomas.” But, for the good of the game and the organization, Gotham needs a Thomas-less 2008.

• Pugilistic icon “Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather, Jr. (38-0) will fight English folk hero Ricky “the Hitman” Hatton (44-0) Saturday night at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. Mayweather, 30, is a far more talented boxer than Hatton, 29,“The Ring” magazine’s 2005 “Fighter of the Year.” Nevertheless, Hatton is skilled as well and if he is able to withstand Mayweather’s relentless flurries and penetrate his defense, he will have a punchers chance to pull off an upset. At the very least, the abrasive and insatiably cocky Mayweather may not be quite as “pretty” on Sunday morning.

• Legendary American motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel died last week at the age of 69. Evel, who set a slew of “Guinness Book of World Records” during his career including most broken bones (40), had more moxie and pearls than any X-Gamer can ever fathom. Aspiring stuntmen of the future, look no further, Evel should be your inspiration.

• On a side note, I would like to congratulate my long-time friend and confidant, Wayne Joseph Ryder, 29, who performed his first civil marriage in a quaint Jersey Shore town this past Saturday evening. Ryder, a trucker, is a multi-dimensioned man and I am certain that he will evolve into a tremendous Justice of the Peace and make many couples happy all over the free-world.

• As Always, genuine “thanks” for your time. I hope I kept you entertained.

In the Web

2007-11-28T08:18:00.000-08:00

• I hope I find everyone in great holiday sprits and I thank you for reading my rapid take on the week that was in sports. Welcome to another edition of "In the Web."

• The Green Bay Packers (10-1) and their iconic signal-caller, Brett Favre, seem destined for glory and triumph after registering their best start to a season since 1962. Favre, a 3-time N.F.L. MVP, is having the greatest year of his storybook career and his final words may ultimately be, "I'm going to Disney World!" If Carmen Diaz's former movie flame is able to punctuate his legacy with another ring, it will go down as one of the most spectacular and unlikely sports moments ever. On a personal note, it would be my favorite athletic memory since "Rowdy" Roddy Piper smashed a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's cranium in the middle of a segment of "Piper's Pit" in 1985.

• In any other season, Favre, 38, would be a lock to add to his collection of MVP hardware. Unfortunately for Favre and the rest of "Cheesehead Nation," this is not any other season. Tom Brady, 30, has already lapped his competition for this award like a Kenyan sprinter at the Boston Marathon. Brady's numbers are obscene (39 touchdowns in comparison to a paltry 4 interceptions) and he is the undisputed leader of a New England team that seems bound to be one for the ages. In essence, it is impossible to play the quarterback position better than Brady has this year. For your reference, the Webster's dictionary defines the word impossible as being "something that cannot be done."

• Despite eventually losing 31-28, the Philadelphia Eagles (5-6) proved Sunday night that it is not "impossible" to beat the Patriots (11-0). Philly displayed a warrior mentality reminiscent of their hometown pride, Rocky Balboa, and their toe-to-toe performance against a Clubber Lang-like Pats squad should be a realization to the rest of the league that the signal-stealers are susceptible to defeat. As "the Italian Stallion" said to the offensive juggernaut that was Lang in Rocky III, "You ain't so bad. You ain't so bad. You ain't nothin.' C'Mon, champ, hit me in the face! My Mom hits harder than you." Before we deem the Pats the baddest thing to hit the pigskin landscape since leather-helmets, let's let them win it first.

• The University of Alabama's smarmy football coach, Nick Saban, is the most unlikeable leader of a team on the collegiate gridiron since John Goodman's character in the original "Revenge of the Nerds" movie. To emphasize this fact, a delusional Saban last week correlated a Crimson Tide loss to the events of 9-11 and Pearl Harbor.

"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event."

I won't even dignify the content of Saban’s remarks with a thorough backlash. I will simply say that his wording and articulation will never be referred to as Churchill-ian.

• Speaking of abrasive and villainous coaches, it truly makes sense that New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick holds Saban in such high regard. Those two are meant for each other. One has to presume purgatory would be akin to driving cross-country with the two beautiful and engaging personalities.

• Kudos to Kurt Warner, 36, for reinvigorating his career with the Arizona Cardinals. Warner, a borderline Hall of Famer and 2-time N.F.L. MVP, is Nedward "Ned" Flanders but with more testicular fortitude and a better arm. The N.F.L. needs more men like Warner.

• The decrepit New York Jets (1-10) will be remembered notoriously for three things when this year goes into the archives. The first thing that will be evoked will be their fans sub-human reaction when they cheered an injury to the class act that is Chad Pennington during an opening day 38-14 loss to the Patriots. The second fond memory will be of when Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini blew the whistle on his mentor's nefarious tactics and placed a question on the Patriots reign and Belichick's genius. Ultimately, and best of all, the 2007 version of "Gang Green" will be immortalized for Gate D and East Rutherford's answer to Bourbon Street. This is one of the ugliest seasons in the history of a homely franchise.

• The Goldie Hawn-charged Wildcats could inevitably overpower this year’s best college football team.

• Ricardo Mayorga (29-6-1), 34, was awarded a majority decision over Fernando Vargas (26-4), 29, last Saturday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. It seems like bad guys do often finish first.

• Redskins star cornerback Sean Taylor was shot in the leg in his home during an apparent botched burglary Sunday night and he succumbed to his wound the following morning at the Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami. It is yet to be seen how the media will portray the troubled Taylor. But, good man or bad, it is a terrible tragedy when a talented person dies at the young age of 24.

• My most sincere “thanks” for your time. I hope I kept you entertained.

In the Web

2007-11-17T15:34:00.000-08:00

· I send “thanks” to you all for taking the time to read my rapid take on the week that was in sports.

· Former San Francisco Giants icon and baseball’s home run king Barry Lamar Bonds, 43, was indicted Thursday by a federal grand jury on 4 counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice for denying utilizing performance enhancing drugs. The indictment places another enormous asterisk next to Bonds tarnished records and it further darkens baseball’s “Steroid Era” (1994-present).

Since debuting with the Pittsburgh Pirates as a stick with jheri curls in 1986, Bonds has transformed his body into a mountain of mass and muscle. San Francisco Chronicle reporters and authors of “Game of Shadows,” Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada, documented the massive growth in Bonds' jersey size (42 to 52), cleat size (10 1/2 to 13) and cap size (7 1/8 to 7 1/4) — even though he now shaves his head and no longer looks like a walking “Soul Glo” infomercial. Bonds can continue to deny these lurid allegations until he is blue in the face. He cheated and then he lied to investigators about his cheating.

Nevertheless, he was the best player in baseball long before he began using ‘roids after the 1998 season and he may have been the greatest performer ever while he was juiced-up. It is imperative to realize that the entire sport of baseball was infested with steroids during this timeframe and it is simply unfair to demonize only the most famous and successful scofflaw of them all. It would be prudent and mature for fans to delay their reaction to Bonds and his indictment until after Senator George Mitchell releases the findings of his steroid investigation sometime in the coming weeks. Once that happens, judging Bonds against his peers will be fair and on a more level playing field (pun intended).

· * *

· This was a devastating week for any legitimate and knowledgeable fan of the New York Yankees. After seemingly emancipating themselves from the cancer known as Alex Rodriguez, 32, the Bomber’s brass has had a moronic change of heart and the two sides are finalizing a contract agreement worth a reported $275 million over 10-years. In essence, this deal ensures that there won’t be a Yankee championship parade in Gotham until at least 2017.

· I have supported the New York Yankees since I was a child and I never believed that I would waiver my allegiance to the men in pinstripes. But, in lieu of this disgraceful pact with A-Gump, I need to reevaluate my standing. Am I capable of cheering for this parasite until I am 37 years of age? I sincerely don’t know the answer to that question. I have always beloved the Giants and it may be time for all of my passion to reside in the Bay Area. I can’t with any justification support this sexual instrument. But, on the other end of the spectrum, should I allow this championship-zero to alter my thinking and way of life? I am just in a very confused state and I am seeking answers.

· Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson was reprimanded by the N.B.A. after making a homosexual reference in jest following his teams 107-92 loss to the San Antonio Spurs on Tuesday night. In the aftermath of San Antonio’s 13 3-pointers, Jackson was asked if too much penetration was leading to open outside shooters.

“We call this a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ game, because there is so much penetration and kickouts,” said Jackson, the king of arrogance. “It was just one of those games.”

In my column last week, I made a similarly snark remark and I genuinely want to recant my words and separate myself from the former third man off the New York Knicks bench. Last week, I wrote:

The phony known as Roger Clemens accepted a job as a consultant this week with the Houston Astros. In lieu of this news, one can only presume that Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite, 35, will follow-suit and retire. I mean, those two are inseparable like Laurel and Hardy, right? Or, was it inseparable like "Ennis del Mar" and "Jack Twist" in "Brokeback Mountain? Either way, with Clemens gone, Pettite's days in the South Bronx are inevitably finished.

If I offended anyone, I apologize and I assure you that I will veer away from such attempted humor in the future.

· Stephon (“Starbury”—Ha!) Marbury, 30, went AWOL this week after being informed by his incompetent boss, New York Knicks Head Coach Isiah Thomas, that he was going to be replaced in the starting lineup by backup point guard Mardy Collins, 23. Speaking to reporters regarding his demotion, Marbury said, “Isiah has to start me. I’ve got so much stuff on Isiah and he knows it.” These two worthless bums, “Starbury” and “Zeke,” deserve each other. In large part because of these two malcontents, Gotham shouldn't expect a basketball championship parade anytime soon either.

· After watching the revived Boston Celtics (8-0) throttle the Lawrence Frank-led New Jersey Nets (4-5) last week, I mentally devised a potentially fascinating “Mexican Street Fight.” Who emerges victorious in a battle pitting Frank, 37, versus Knicks legend Jeff Van Gundy, 45? Physically, it would be fair combat. But, Van Gundy’s scrappy and fearless style would be the gateway to glory. Case closed.

· I am participating in a fantasy football league this season for the first time in my life. To be honest, I like it and it absolutely adds intrigue to every Sunday’s action on the gridiron. But, the league does have drawbacks. I currently have Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, 33, on my roster. Owens has been, like usual, remarkably productive this year and he’s a cornerstone on my squad. But, I am rooting for T.O. and that’s the drawback of drawbacks.

· If the New England Patriot’s (9-0) do make it to Arizona to compete in Superbowl XLII, it will be 44.5 states (southern Connecticut) versus 5.5 states (northern Connecticut and the 5 other New England States). How can more than 88% of our country be wrong? The Patriot’s are a villainous and nefarious crew.

· I may be blinded by optimism, but I still believe that Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weiss and New York Jets Coach Eric Mangini are the right people for their respective tasks at hand.

· Great thanks to you all for taking the time to review my weekly rant. I wish you all a safe and memorable Thanksgiving holiday!

In the Web

2007-11-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

* I appreciate you taking the time to read another edition of "In the Web." I hope I entertain you with my rapid review of the week that was in sports.

* The Notre Dame Fighting Irish (1-8) lost to Navy (5-4) last Saturday in 3OT to snap their NCAA-record winning streak over one opponent at 43 games. The loss, already Notre Dame's 5th at home this year, is a new nadir for the Irish and their highly-scrutinized Head Coach Charlie Weiss. Despite Notre Dame's mid-air-collision of a season, Weiss allegedly sees better days ahead for the Irish in the very near future.

According to WFAN's Mike Francesa, he joined Weiss and the third leg of their trio of girth, coaching icon Bill Parcells, at Monmouth Park Racetrack in New Jersey on the 27th of October to support the ponies running at the Breeder's Cup. In between platters of food and races, Francesa claims that Weiss acknowledged to him that this season is far direr than he could have ever envisioned. Weiss stated that he knew this season would be horrible and he said so to associates of his in confidence. But, he never could have fathomed this horrific level of futility at the Golden Dome. Weiss went on to predict that his squad would be quite competitive next year and then he boldly capped off his clairvoyance by predicting that the Irish would win the national championship in 2009.

As a fan of the Irish who was not old enough to enjoy their last national championship in 1988, I can assure you that I will store that comment away and check its validity towards the end of Rudolph Giuliani's first term in the Oval Office. I hope the fat boy's onto something.

* In fairness, Weiss indeed is a great offensive mind and I still do have faith that he is the correct person to return the Irish to national prominence. Nevertheless, I am in no capacity sold on his prized freshman recruit, quarterback Jimmy Clausen, 20. It is entirely unfair for anyone to judge Clausen based on this season. The "Lebron James of high school quarterbacks" has been provided with absolutely zero protection upfront and he has a dearth of explosive players to throw to on offense. Still, I haven't detected even a hint of toughness or zest when I've seen him behind the gun to date. In reality, Clausen, who went 43-0 in his prep career playing for Oaks Christian High School in Westlake Village, California, seems better suited to star in a remake of the 80's flick "Mannequin." I can see him cruising down Santa Monica Boulevard in a pink Cadillac with the character "Hollywood" in shotgun before I can see him leading the Irish to another pot of gold.

* On October the 28th, I wrote "Granted, I'm biased because 'I hate the fucking Eagles, man.' But, eventually, Boston College will fold like a cheap suit." Last Saturday night in a quasi-monsoon, the Eagles (8-1, 4-1) folded like a "cheap suit" in an excruciating 27-17 loss to the Florida State Seminoles (6-3, 3-3). I hope Eagles fans enjoyed their run of prosperity because I can easily forecast at least 2 more losses before the season ends in early-January. Boston College is an average football team that will finish with an average record when it's all said and done.

* With that said, in a year marred with mediocrity on the collegiate gridiron, almost every team is average.

* It has been reported in a number of news outlets that the New York Yankees are seriously contemplating proposing a trade offer to the Baltimore Orioles for their resident juice-head, Miguel Tejada, 31. The Yankees imagine Tejada as a less expensive and less abrasive answer to Alex Rodriguez at third base. Granted, anybody's a likeable upgrade in comparison to A-Rod. But, Miguel Tejada and his fleet of unwanted baggage? If the Bomber's truly want to replace the purple-lipped pariah at the hot corner, they need to continue descending south and they need to make a genuine offer to the Florida Marlins for Miguel Cabrera, 24. Despite concerns about his propensity to gain weight, Cabrera's worth the risk and the prospects that would be needed to land him.

* As long as those prospects don't include rookie sensation Joba Chamberlain, 22.

* The phony known as Roger Clemens accepted a job as a consultant this week with the Houston Astros. In lieu of this news, one can only presume that Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite, 35, will follow-suit and retire. I mean, those two are inseparable like Laurel and Hardy, right? Or, was it inseparable like "Ennis del Mar" and "Jack Twist" in "Brokeback Mountain? Either way, with Clemens gone, Pettite's days in the South Bronx are inevitably finished.

* The team known formerly as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays has shed the "Devil" and is now known simply as the Rays. With this monumental announcement, one must wonder if St. Petersburg officials have begun to already map out the Rays championship parade route for next October.

* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."

* Come to think of it, the loveable Belichick is somewhat reminiscent of the Cobra Kai's sensei, John Kreese. How can one say with certainty that Belichick has never inspired his villainous crew by uttering the words, "Sweep the leg. Do you have a problem with that?"

* The Boston Celtics (4-0) are in the midst of a renaissance following an offseason that saw them acquire superstars Kevin Garnett, 31, and Ray Allen, 32. I have seen more people wearing Celtics merchandise in Boston in the past 2 weeks than I did during my previous 8-years in the city combined. Coincidence? Nah, just more front-runners.

* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.

* Great thanks to you all for your time. I look forward to another round sometime next week.

In the Web

2007-11-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

• I thank you for reading another edition of “In the Web.” I hope I amuse and entertain you with my rapid take on the week that was in sports.

• It’s valid to question whether the New York Jets (1-7) were overachievers en route to a surprising record of 10-6 last season or if they are simply miserable underachievers this year. In actuality, this answer likely lies somewhere in between both of the aforementioned scenarios. The real query is if Eric Mangini is still a certified genius. “The Mangenius,” who finished second to New Orleans Saints Head Coach Sean Payton in the 2006 NFL Coach of the Year voting, has seen his media-created IQ plummet to Charlie Gordon-like levels. Can anyone say with a straight face at this point that Mangini could defeat Algernon in an intelligence experiment? As a loyal follower of “Gang Green,” I can’t.

• Both the New England Patriots (8-0) and the Indianapolis Colts (7-0) are everything that the Jets strive to one day become. If by circumstance, these two squads don’t reunite again later this season in the playoffs, I’ll be flabbergasted. But, as the NFL adage goes, any team can beat any other on “any given Sunday.” So, enjoy this game between two elite teams who feature all-time quarterbacks for the ages in the Pats Tom Brady and the Colts Peyton Manning, 31. We may not see a regular season matchup of this magnitude again in quite some time.

• I am extremely cognizant of Manning’s extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn’t Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.

• A report surfaced late-Friday afternoon that Alex Rodriguez and his despicable agent, Scott Boras, anticipated a contract extension offer worth a guaranteed $350 million simply to arrange a face-to-face negotiation with Yankee suits. My disdain for A-Rod is profound and I already sense a feeling of liberation when I realize I won’t be subjected to seeing the purple-lipped pariah on the hot corner next season for the Bombers. As stated ad nausea in this column, I don’t like coincidences. Can it possibly be a coincidence that both teams that Rodriguez left (the Seattle Mariners and the Texas Rangers) dramatically improved the year after they gained their freedom from him? I think not, my friends. A-Rod wouldn’t know wining if it came complimentary with one of his hair products and he never had any business playing for the most winning franchise in the annals of North American pro sports to begin with.

• By the way, for those keeping record at home, the Red Sox mediocre pitcher, Daisuke Matsuzaka, has recorded more postseason RBI’s (2) than A-Rod has since game four of the 2004 ALCS. Rodriguez has one RBI since that timeframe.

• Rodriguez’s classy wife, Cynthia, wore a tee-shirt to the Stadium last July that said “F*ck you” on the back of it. In essence, those are my last words to the complacent parasite that used to wear #13 for the New York Yankees.

• Without warrant, Rudolph Giuliani, who helped revive New York City and who received universal laud for his leadership as the city’s mayor in the aftermath of 9-11, has always fancied himself as some kind of ultimate Yankee aficionado. Then, just two weeks ago, he publicly declared that he would root for the Boston Red Sox in the World Series in favor of the Colorado Rockies. I have no patience for people who are not sincere with their stated allegiance and, after hearing that, I pronounce Rudy to be about as loyal as a rattlesnake. I had seriously considered voting for Giuliani during the election of 2008. But, how can I do so now? I mean, I’d rather be aligned in a foxhole with Benedict Arnold.

• When asked earlier this week for his opinion of the New York Knicks and their on and off court woes that were punctuated by losing a sexual harassment case last month, NBA Commissioner David Stern said, “It demonstrates that they’re not a model of intelligent management.” Isn’t that kind of like saying that Nate Newton used to dabble in marijuana?

• Tennis great Martina Hingis, 27, abruptly retired from her sport after testing positive for cocaine after the 2007 Wimbledon Championships. Hingis, who denied using the drug and considered the media’s handling of her story disgraceful, went out on her own terms. Despite the circumstance, that’s more than many athletes can say.

• On a serious topic, the media needs to leave Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid and his two deeply troubled sons, Britt, 22, and Garrett, 24, alone. Britt and Garrett both have serious problems and the unconscionable media is feeding off their demise like vultures. Shame on them for covering this personal matter and shame on anyone who seeks updates on this non-sports-story.

• Two weeks after being unceremoniously spurned by the New York Yankees, Joe Torre, 67, inked a 3-year contract to manage the Los Angeles Dodgers for a reported $13 million. Torre is a tremendous man and he is one who I would align myself in a foxhole with.

• Sincere thanks! I hope I entertained.

In the Web

2007-10-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

Like always, genuine gratitude to you all for reading my work. Without you, I wouldn't have the motivation to write. Welcome to another edition of "In the Web."

The Notre Dame Fighting Irish have set the collegiate football landscape ablaze this fall en route to a sterling record of 1-7. As a fomer manual laborer, I can easily envision hordes of workers congregating pre-shift outside a convenient store predicting how much longer till Irish Coach Charlie Weiss meets his ultimate demise. Despite the fact that he underwent gastric bypass surgery, an extremely risky operation, to reduce his immense blubbler, Weiss looks more and more like the Caucasian answer to Fat Albert on a daily basis.

Notre Dame has hit a new level of futility thus far into the 2007 season and it's not entirely out of the realm to wonder about Weiss' job status and whether or not he'll be back with the Irish next year (I am positive that he will be). The demise I am broaching in this context involves the digging of six feet worth of dirt and I am confident that Weiss is an en vogue selection in the grand majority of death pools nationwide.

A standard death pool is predicated on the notion that each human being is worth 100 points. When someone expires, you debit his age by the 100 points. So, for example, if Weiss, 51, succumbed to gluttony this coming year, he would be valued at 49 points. That's a significant number of points and something that one needs to readily consider before embarking on a death pool draft.

On a sincerely morbid and tasteless note, Britney Spears, 25, would be a tremendous fantasy pick if you and your friends are contemplating establishing a death pool in 2008. I know, it's sick. But, she would grant you 75 points and that's nothing to sneeze at in this league.

Much to my chagrin, I firmly believe that Kevin Federline, 29, would be a disastrous pick in such a particular league. I view Federline as a survivor and I can envision that cockroach sipping pina coladas at a tropical resort with a loaded 80-year-old widow sometime in the late portion of 2058.

Moments ago, the Boston Red Sox beat the Colorado Rockies 3-2 to win their 2nd crown in 4 years. Obviously, the Red Sox have fielded high-qaulity for the past half-decade. But, not one of their teams could have taken any of the Yankee squads from 1996-2000 and they definitely couldn't have unseated either of the two Toronto Blue Jay teams that captured glory (1992-1993). Nevertheless, the Sox have been very good and they deserve their rightful due.

I'm just so very ecstatic that as I write and by the grace of a higher source, I happen to be 300 miles from Yawkey Way.

I am equally enthralled by the fact that I will no longer be forced to see the most untalented comedian, actor and musician on the globe, Boston native Dane Cook, rearing his ugly mug on another Fox baseball broadcast for quite some time.

The New England Patriot's (8-0) trounced the Washington Redskins (4-3) 52-7 Sunday to further their bid to become the first team to go undefeated in the NFL since the 1972 Miami Flamingo's. The Patriot's are simply in a different stratosphere and one nees to wonder if it's feasible for a team to be charged with running up the score in the first half of a game.

So indeed and without sarcasm and to call the proverbial spade a spade, the city of Beans is reveling in an athletic year for the ages. As noted, The Red Sox just won their second championship in four years. The Boston Collge Eagles have inexplikcably remained unbeaten (8-0) and are seemingly genuine championship contenders in a year marred with mediocity on the college gridiron. Lastly, the New England Patriots are sincere and worthy adversaries to the Miami Flamingo's unblemished mark that they set in 1972. In lieu of all this impressiveness, I ask, "How much for another ticket out of town?"

For those who complain that my writing is badly hindered because of my hatred towards everything that is Boston sports, I want to be emphatically clear that I am, and I have been for years, a big supporter of the fabled Celtics franchise. Still, the Celts had always previously played second fiddle to my beloved New York Knicks. Not anymore, my friends. Rooting for Knicks GM and Head Coach Isiah Thomas is akin to cheering for another outbreak of SARS (severe acute respiratory illness). I yearn for a disease free world.

Everything indicates that the New York Yankees are on the verge of naming Joe Girardi as the successor to the iconic Joseph Torre. Girardi's hire as a manager could work for the Bomber's. Obviously, it also could backfire. If the choice was mine, I would have rolled out the red carpet for the inexperienced Don Mattingly. But, that's just me and I've been wrong more times than Paris Hilton's had sex.

Whomever eventually manages the men in pinstripes, it appears they will do so without the services of an all-time talent. The famed purple-lipped pariah, Alex Rodriguez, opted out of his $252 million, 10-year contract with the New York Yankees Sunday to essntially end his career in the Bronx. The Bombers just lost the best player in basbeall. The Yankees also just became a better baseball team. Oh, the irony.

As frequent readers of mine know, weeks ago I contemplated permanently removing myself from the entire world of sports. Sunday, I watched live at the Meadowlands as the New York Jets suffered yet another loss to recede to a horrific mark of 1-8. But, this loss, 17-6 to the Buffalo Bills (3-5), was different. I never got mad and my day wasn't ruined. I now realize it's easier for me to watch "Gang Green" when they are flatly despicable instead of when they are contenders incapable of reaching the ultimate level. This is my life. I am a New York Jets fan.

Tip of the hat and much thanks for your time. I hope I kept you interested.

"In the Web"

2007-10-22T08:44:00.001-07:00

I welcome you to another edition of "In the Web." I hope I entertain.

One of the great leaders our country's seen since General George Patton, New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre, snubbed his nose at an incentive-laden contract extension proposed by Bombers suits Thursday evening. As other generations recall Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio and Mantle, I will fondly reminisce of the "Clueless Joe" era. Torre, who defeated prostate cancer in 2001 and established an anti-domestic abuse fund, "the Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation," guided the Yankees to 4 World Series titles, six pennants and every one of his 12 squads made it to October.

Naysayers and critics alike will always yammer and claim Torre's an average skipper who's a product of George Steinbrenner's pockets. It's also fashionable for Torre bashers to emphasize that he hasn't navigated any of his squads to championship glory since 2000 despite being provided with an embarrassment of financial resources. Listen, Torre's squads haven't exactly bowed to a posse of untalented gumps.
The majority of teams that ousted a Torre led Bomber squad in the playoffs ultimately were crowned champions that year (01' Arizona Diamondbacks, 02' Los Angeles Angels (Jesus, this is long!) of Anaheim, 03' Florida Marlins, and the 04' Boston Red Sox).

My friends, take a look at the futility that was the South Bronx in the 80's and early 90's (I'm going to hope and presume you aren't front-runners and did actually watch back then). Steinbrenner threw money around like an affluent virgin in a nude joint during those painful years as well and his fleet of nine managers won, well, nothing with the dinero they were granted. I have never liked coincidences. Torre's calm demeanor and unparallel ability to relate with his players was the ingredient that catapulted the Bombers to 3 consecutive championships and 4 in 5 years from 1996-2000. I can say with steely confidence that Randy Johnson will be on the cover of Playgirl before a feat like that reoccurs in baseball.

Unfortunately, it seems lucid that the Bomber's brass offered Torre a contract that he had to refuse and one that was presented as a token gesture to ward off an even harsher outcry about their handling of this situation. The Yankees have amassed an impressive formulation of talented youth and veterans and they seem primed to recapture their dominance sooner than later. Nevertheless, the loss of Torre could usher in a return to managerial unrest and utter chaos. Human beings like Joseph Torre aren't found on every corner and I genuinely feel privileged and honored to know that I had the chance to watch him for such a prolonged period. If I'm ever half as "clueless" as Joe Torre is, I'll be satisfied with the way my life has unraveled.

Red Sox ace Josh Beckett should count his lucky stars that he was separated from the Cleveland Indian's Kenny Lofton in Game 5 before the lefty speedster got his paws on him. Lofton would have ended that "Mexican street fight" in the time it takes Takeru Kobayashi to eat a single frank.

The Red Sox defeated the Indians 11-2 Sunday night to win the ALCS in 7 games and advance to their second World Series in four years. Genuinely, the Yankees had better start to panic. If the Sox do in fact prevail and beat the Colorado Rockies they will have captured 7 whole crowns in their long and illustrious history. That’s only 19 less than the Yankees have recorded.

I love Chad Pennington like a brother and I would go to combat with that man in the bat of an eye. Nevertheless, it's time to usher in the Kellen Clemens era.

As a New York Jets fan, watching this version of the New England Patriot's (7-0) is akin to being sent to Guantanamo Bay. After watching their 49-28 route of the Miami Flamingo’s, nothing and I mean nothing, indicates that barring injuries this team can be beat. Make no mistake, cheaters or not, this is a genuine dynasty for the ages and this particular team may ultimately prove to be the best of any age.

Indiana University men's basketball is rudderless with Kelvin Sampson running the program. The Hoosiers don't necessarily need "Norman Dale." But, they do need someone and that someone is not Kelvin Sampson.

Granted, I'm biased because "I hate the fucking Eagles, man." But, eventually, Boston College will fold like a cheap suit.

If Miguel Cotto's fight on November the 10th against "Sugar" Shane Mosley is as tremendous as I anticipate, boxing will have had quite a few good months.

My most sincere thanks for reading another posting of "In the Web."

In the Web

2007-10-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

I thank you for reading another edition of "In the Web."

Seemingly since I've been able to utilize my gams and walk, I've been an enormous sports fan. But, this past Sunday afternoon I had an epiphany akin to the one that Lester Burnham experienced towards the end of "American Beauty." Sitting in a prominent Boston sports bar, I was disgusted when I looked to my right and saw an obese and hideously unattractive woman donning a pink Red Sox hat frothing at the mouth rooting on "Big Papi." Much to my chagrin, I then looked to my left to see a low-rent middle-age man with two children by his side wearing an "A-Rod swallows" tee-shirt cheering on the New England Patriots. The combination of seeing these two repulsive New Englanders coupled with my favorite teams futility actually began to cause physical ailments within my body.

I was sweating like Patrick Ewing and my heart was beating like I was a hooker in a cathedral and for what? To passionately support a fleet of overpriced, often arrogant and surly men throw a ball around? Sports are simply games and they should not be taken more seriously than that. Nevertheless, I do love them and, in a less frenetic and more mature way, I will still attempt to entertain you with my take on the world of athletics.

Clearly, I am not a clairvoyant and I certainly don't have the psychic powers that Whoopi Goldberg's character had in the movie "Ghost." My prediction that the New York Yankees would lambaste the Cleveland Indians could not possibly have been more erroneous. The Yankees were manhandled by the upstart Tribe in four decisive games as Cleveland advanced to their first ALCS since 1998 (which they lost to the Bombers 4-2). After utilizing words such as "bloodbath" and "massacre" to project the Yankees ALDS domination, I made a fool of myself and any prediction I make in the foreseeable future should be heartily scoffed at. In essence, if I say "Go east," go west and your life will flourish.

New York's third consecutive ouster in the first round has Yankees suits scrambling for answers and into action. Most speculate that Joe Torre has managed his last game for the Yankees and New York's overall leadership is in utter disarray. My admiration for Torre is unparallel and I will forever cherish the sporting moments and championships that he's brought to the Big Apple since his arrival in the Bronx in 1996. Nevertheless, it may simply be time to move on. A new voice in the clubhouse could create new passion and more championship banners for a fabled franchise that hasn't won a crown in seven whole years.

Still, the longer it takes the big, bad owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, to mull the fate of Torre, the better the chances are that legendary skipper will return for a 13th season in Gotham. "Clueless Joe" may be hanging by a thread. But, he's still hanging.

It's time for New Yorkers to say good riddance to the greatest post-season failure in the annals of sports, Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod's ship has sailed in Gotham and a change will behoove all parties involved. A voyage into the free agency market will also enable the insatiable Rodriguez to purchase more designer knicker's and even better and more pricey hair frosting products.

On the bright side of the pinstriped rainbow, the Yankees will have Joba Chamberlain, 22, for an entire campaign next year. Chamberlain (2-0, 0.38 ERA) is the most exciting athlete to grace the "Big Apple" since Dwight Gooden arrived in 1984 and he may ultimately prove to be the greatest unveiling in the city since Scores Gentleman's Club.

The Yankees lost to the Indians fair and square. But, if it wasn't for the biblical plague of gnats that descended upon Cleveland last Friday in Game 2 and rattled Chamberlain, things may have been different. At the very least, it would have been an entirely different series.

If "Tricky Dick" Nixon was a crook and New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick is a cheat, then Roger Clemens is a thief who is guilty of stealing millions of dollars from Steinbrenner for 4 uninspiring months of mediocrity. Although the most powerful union in America, the Major League Baseball Player's union, would never enable it, Clemens should exhibit some testicular fortitude and attempt to reimburse Steinbrenner for the unmitigated disaster that he was this
year. On second thought, his testicles have likely vanished as the result of years of abusing steroids.

Speaking of banned performance enhancing drugs, a report surfaced moments ago indicating that former U.S. Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell will release his report into steroids before the end of the year and the investigation will link many superstars and previously unmentioned players to the doping scandal. Run, Roger, run! Maybe A-Rod should start warming up to.

As the Big Lebowski himself said, the New York Jets "plane has crashed into the God damn mountain."

Watching Adam "Pacman" Jones (5'10"/185 Lbs.) wrestle the other day on TNA was astonishing. The chiseled and uber athleticJones looked like miniscule to the other behomeths in tights in the squared circle. With exaggeration out of the window, the shredded Jones looked skinny enough to play the role of a skinny crack dealer on HBO's "The Wire." The Pacman better get in the good graces of NFL czar Roger Goodell and back on the gridirion soon or his career's going to end performing in the world of sports entertainment.

TBS Baseball analyst and legendary slugger Tony Gwynn has packed on even more blubber since he retired from the sport of baseball at the end of the 2001 season. His expanded waistline has ballooned to such immense proportions that it looked like he could run "Porky's Nightclub."

"Get it....At Porky's."

If the Boston College Eagles inevitably ascend to number two in the latest college football polls, we can all safely assume that this is a down year for college football. As noted in a previous post, like Jeff Lebowski, "I hate the fucking Eagles, man." But, with no bias intended, if the Eagles are the second best team in the nation, college football is mired in parity that is bordering on shire mediocity.

Thank you all for taking the time to review my column. I bid all a safe and happy week wherever I may find you.